Exhibit 21: East Coast-West Coast feuds

The concept of the East Coast-West Coast feud in popular music was hatched by Capitol Records' marketing department in 1960. In response to criticism of Nat "King" Cole's professionalism, virtuosity and unfailing politeness, marketing guru Henny Meninsky developed a detailed strategy in which Cole – born in Alabama, but professionally seasoned in Los Angeles – would initiate a feud with pop composer and singer Neil Sedaka, a Brooklyn native also known for his extraordinarily genteel nature.

The "Meninsky Memo" was a list of bullet points circulated amongst Capitol Records employees in 1960, outlining the specific nature and content of the proposed Cole disparagements against Sedaka in media outlets:

• "I hate Neil Sedaka."
  


• "I have a strong dislike for Neil Sedaka."
  


• "You know who I don't like? That Neil Sedaka guy."
  


• "Sedaka. Oooh, man, he makes me upset."
  


• "When I find that Sedaka guy, I'm just gonna… well, I'm so mad, I can't articulate what I'm gonna do in that situation. That's how mad he makes me."
  


• "I have it on good authority he files his nails."
  


• "What kind of name is 'Sedaka'? It sounds like a foreign cereal brand. We got perfectly good cereal in America. I don't need some Brooklyn wise-ass telling me I gotta have that highfalutin Danish cereal. Doesn't he know there's a Cold War going on?"
  


• "You see that picture of him in a ruffled shirt? What kind of man wears ruffles? It looks like he's playing Benjamin Franklin in a re-enactment of the signing of Declaration of Independence at Knott's Berry Farm. Ruffles! Damn fool's wearing ruffles!"
  


• "Sedaka is a punk-ass motherfucker."
  


• "He killed a man with a damper pedal."
  


• "He doesn't tip well at the Carnegie Deli."
  


• "Sedaka this, Sedaka that, Sedaka Sedaka Sedaka."
  


• "Man, am I mad about Neil Sedaka."

The Meninsky Memo somehow leaked to the offices of RCA Victor, which was Sedaka's label at the time. In a hurried, frenzied meeting before a Sedaka appearance on The Jack Paar Show, RCA marketing head Maximilian Strombulus constructed a series of retorts Sedaka could make against Cole during his appearance:

• "Nat 'King' Cole – oh, man!"
  


• "Who's this Nat 'King' Cole guy anyway?"
  


• "I'm gonna get that Nat 'King' Cole if it's the last thing I do."
  


• "Nat 'King' Cole? More like Nat 'Big Jerk' Cole! Ah-ha! Ha-ha-ha!"
  


• "Yeah, I'm gonna file my nails – right over Nat 'King' Cole's living room Persian! And then I'll strip to my skivvies and do the Nepalese dance of the dead."
  


• "Knock knock. Who's there? Nat 'King Cole. Nat 'King' Cole who? Nat 'King' Cole can go stuff himself!"
  


• "Who was it that thus cried? Why, worthy Nat/You do unbend your noble strength to think/So brain-sickly of things. Go get some water/And wash this filthy witness from your hand./Why did you bring these daggers from the place?/They must lie there. Go, carry them, and smear/The sleepy grooms with blood."
  


• "Cole ain't shit."
  


• "Cole this, Cole that, Cole Cole Cole."
  


• "I need a seltzer."

Neither the Meninsky Memo nor the Strombulus directive ever actually got delivered to Cole or Sedaka, and the two composers frequently golfed together with Cole graciously spotting Sedaka a generous handicap of 14. Chagrined, Meninsky and Strombulus became lovers, resigned their positions and opened a bistro together in Providence.

However, the East Coast-West Coast feud became an attractive alternative marketing strategy, and several manufactured feuds became parts of pop music lore, such as Bob Dylan vs. Frankie Laine, The Four Seasons vs. Moby Grape, the Archies vs. the Fat Albert Kids (which escalated in a knife fight at a Hanna-Barbera office Christmas party), the New York Dolls vs. the New York Dolls of Anaheim, the Ramones vs. the Eagles, Hall & Oates vs. Donny & Marie Osmond, and Chicago vs. themselves.

With the onset of hip-hop, the East Coast-West Coast feud reached new, sometimes fatal extremes. The harshest East-West feud was the fracas between rappers Flavor Flav and Snoop Dogg, a long confrontation that was often conducted in the pages of popular music magazines and entertainment periodicals. Flavor Flav's comments in a 1992 issue of Spin magazine first fueled the fire:

FLAVOR FLAV: Of course Snoop is going to reject Descartes' mode of an elevated dimension; he's an empiricist. Granted, Descartes had some degree of difficulty with his establishment of all the universal properties as a mode of prolonging substance; by its very definition metaphysical dominion is a principle organized around intangibility, and fideism is commonly declaimed as the realm of the poet/shaman, a persona philosophy is conditioned to avoid. But do we therefore simply revert to the rustic principles of containment that reinforced man's crude self-idolatry? If we simply refuse that which is not a reflection of ourselves, we invite consequence that is dangerous, even primal if the communal extension is sufficiently sustained. Should we risk negating the power of the infinite for mere egoism? Shall we ascribe a ceiling to our sphere of enforced rationalism? I think not. No, I think not.

Within weeks of Flavor Flav's broadside, Snoop Dogg issued a refutation of his own to People magazine:

SNOOP DOGG: Flav's assertions, quaint as they are, cannot endure the harsh inquisition of skepticism with their fanciful imagery and reversely pious foundations. Indeed, I fear his arguments because they propagate a type of naiveté that folds into nationalism. Better to follow what Hume endorsed: to be "convinced of the force of Pyrrhonian doubt, and the impossibility that anything, but the strong power of the natural instinct, could free us from it." What Flav fails to recognize is that placing any perceived limitations on our cognitive resources is, in fact, the true skepticism. I was discussing this with my colleague Schoolly D, and he agreed: Descartes' position, though imbued with an admirable strain of altruism, nevertheless lends itself quite easily to the establishment of dogmatic thought. That, I opine, is the truly risky supposition in Flav's argument, and it would be folly to think it is anything more than a merely reactionary tenet, which of course is no tenet at all.

The Flav-Snoop feud fomented for several years, culminating in violence when rap mogul Suge Knight dangled a tenured UCLA professor off a third-floor balcony until he accepted free will.

Exhibit 9: High school musicals

For many an aspiring pop star, high school musicals are the initial tableaux of discovering their own talent in front of a paying audience. The institution is now the subject of much reverence thanks to a series of television shows and concert tours under the franchise title High School Musical, featuring teenagers who have deferred their G.E.D.'s to warm the hearts of an audience that can afford the exorbitant ticket prices, and their parents.

At one time, the high school musical acted as a penal colony for those unable to participate in athletics or Future Farmers of America. These outcasts, numbed from years of torment by nose tackles and the agriculture industry, found solace and camaraderie in the anonymity of a chorus line in South Pacific.

The selection of lead and supporting roles in the high school musical schemata follows a very specific code of instructions, formulated and copyrighted in the late 50's by Oscar Hammerstein:

a. Female lead: Must sing well, be flawlessly punctual, and well-regarded by peers though not freakishly popular. Should not have an athlete boyfriend. Must bring thermos of hot tea to each rehearsal. Virgins preferable, although this condition is not easily enforceable. Must mistrust extras, but should not subjugate or belittle them in any way.

b. Male lead: Good singing voice optional, though subject should not be entirely tone-deaf; maintaining steady tone without a hint of vibrato perfectly acceptable (occasionally ideal, see: Henry Higgins, My Fair Lady). Sturdy build is positive, though often unattainable. Tall enough not to get bullied, but polite enough to be pleasantly avoided. Must hope to find girlfriend in chorus and maintain relationship at least through opening night. Must think beer is exotic. Should not acknowledge extras in any way.

c. Female supporting role: Reserved for girls with "personality." Must sing with "character"; that is, should opt for brassy pluck rather than operatic ability. Should be able to conjure specialty dialect ("New Yawk," deep Southern, nasal, psychotic) at will. Can never look as if she knows more than either of the lead actors. Red hair a definite plus. Must struggle in math and science, but excel in English literature. Must get stoned with extras at least once, optimally during closing night party.

d. Male supporting role: Should be gay.

The most popular high school musicals, until recently, were those whose principal characteristic was being set in a specific location. For example: South Pacific's most important overtone was that it took place in the South Pacific Ocean. This was also the case with:

• The Sound of Music (which took place in Austria)
• A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (ancient Greece)
• How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying (New York City)
• Cabaret (Nazi Germany and/or badly run San Francisco nightclub)
• Oklahoma! (Akron, Ohio)
• Cats (the seventh circle of Hell and/or Baltimore).

As such, the unspoken star of the high school musical was the set designer, whose charge was to convince the audience of realistic location and authenticity through the use of colored butcher paper. The set designer was never introduced to the rest of the cast, since he either thrived on his position's invisibility or was on parole.

The Disney metacommentary High School Musical (2006) was a landmark in theatrical self-examination: a movie musical about teenagers finding valuable identity components through participation in a high school musical. The franchise has already spawned two sequels, including a film. Indeed, the success of High School Musical led Disney to sign the creators to a 75-year contract to present one new production per year. The annual series follows the lives of the same students from the original High School Musical, from their mildly disappointing community college tenures through their confused and forgetful final days in state-run, unsympathetic nursing homes.

Critics are said to be looking forward to the 24th installment of the franchise, featuring all the cast members at an AA meeting where they contend with the failure of their post-high school acting careers. It is rumored this installment will feature Corey Feldman in the role of "Steve the Counselor." The premiere of the 24th episode is scheduled for Cleveland's Playhouse Square in the year 2030; at present the waiting list for tickets is 60 years long.