April 20, 2008

Exhibit 1: Eyeliner

Eyeliner is a darkening agent applied with styluses or brushes of varied width around the edges of a human eye. The first known use of eyeliner has been traced back to the Mesopotamians and ancient Egyptians. Its initial use in rock music was in 1955 when Richard Wayne Pettiman, under the alias "Little Richard," outlined his eyes to distract the audience from the fact that he was playing an out-of-tune piano.

The use of eyeliner in glam/heavy metal applications came about by serendipitous error when a team of Dutch sexologists mixed up lab results for two experiments, one regarding bivalve mollusks and the other regarding ladies' cosmetics. Doctors Otto Adelheid and Ignaas Oudekirk's now-famous studies on pheromonal response stimuli contained the following descriptions of two independent, meagerly paid laboratory subjects, both left alone in well-furnished chambers with Scandinavian catalogue models:

SUBJECT A: Applied eye darkening agent using 2mm outline brush; coefficient Inga removed brassiere and initiated licking of Subject A's face; copulation commenced at 12:29pm and continued for six hours.

SUBJECT B: Ate five half-shell oysters; coefficient Svegala made humorous speculations on Subject B's sexual orientation and offered him a compact mirror "to check lovely self now."

News of the botched experiments spread quickly across the musical and cosmetic communities of Europe, and also resulted in the Linkoping Fisherman's Strike of 1971. When the mistake was discovered in a 1992 going-away party for a lab technician, the descendants of Drs. Adelheid and Oudekirk became despondent over the imminent loss of their inheritances, and formed the "emo" band Wrong Oysters. Lead singer Lemone Schoonhoven vowed to use eyeliner for the rest of his band's career, "so that my pain will always be self-evident to American audiences, through the increased definition of my eyes, which are windows to my paternal torment. I want to be ostracized now, please leave."

Upon release of that statement the metal community of America "blacklisted" eyeliner, as bands incorporated sacrificial burnings of Revlon store displays into their live performances. In recent years with the popularity of the Osbournes television program, eyeliner has tentatively reentered the heavy metal scene; many of the top touring bands of the day now receive bottles of eyeliner as part of their contract riders, often provided at a discount when purchased with Scandinavian catalogue models.

1 comment:

Saundrah said...

Urban Decay Heavy Metal is my friend..

Blog Directory - Blogged